There are few things I care about in life LESS than Mariah Carey's weight. Bulgarian politics interest me more. (I can't say that definitively, I guess... I don't know much about Bulgarian politics... it could be less interesting than Mariah Carey's weight, but I doubt it.) But Jenny Craig assumed I, and millions of other potential dieters, would be so interested in it, that they released a teaser ad last year that would whet our appetites to see just whose legs those were busting out of a nylon egg.
The horrible soundtrack composed of noise and the repetitive smash cuts of appendages pushing through fabric amounted to a minute and a half of eye strain and fuzzy headache, which would likewise whet our appetites for the migraine inducing campaign it was launching.
That's right, America, Mariah Carey has apparently lost some weight! And to celebrate, Jenny Craig is inviting you to the worst club in the world, where normal women who have recently lost weight awkwardly dance and the only music, ever, is the worst possible remix of a Mariah Carey song in which her shrill as a banshee voice repeats "YOU CAN MAKE IT... YOU CAN MAKE IT... YOU CAN MAKE IT..." over and over and over again until your ears commit suicide just to escape the pain.
This ad mentions just how much weight some of the poor ladies trapped in Club You Can Make Ad Infinitum have lost. It does not mention how they lost this weight, but I assume being assaulted by this terrible music for hours on end would have such a soul crushing effect on your well being that you'd never want to eat again. Is the Jenny Craig system of weight loss just a pair of headphones and this song? If so, kudos to Ms. Craig for finally solving our nation's obesity problem. It makes me want to preemptively skinny up just to avoid ever having to hear Mariah screech at me again.
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